Casually Abundant

I try not to push them away, but once they truly see me for what I am, they know their brief yet intense visit is done. Any more time spent this close to the flame might result in a burn. So while I swim in a sea of casual abundance I often wonder if I will ever crash into something meaningful? But because I never liked pondering things out of my control I have to believe I've set sail for shores far greater than I can imagine, I have to trust I endure this compartmental alienation for a reason. Me and my fellow delusional companions who I feel are far more comfortable with the isolation than I ever will be.

The Introverted Feeling "Fi" Struggle

Who did I want to be again? I forgot, I’m just enjoying myself, but I need to remind myself, just what are the virtues I was seeking to embody in the first place? First let me recount my evening, or rather the events that took place last night essentially changed the course of my life, I’m now relishing in my role as a giver manipulating the bodies around me for the gain of those around me, I wonder what will happen when I implement all these skills for myself, my own selfish gain. I suppose that is the end I’m trying to reach some mythical moment where I will be driven by my own lust to some end. I want to desire as much as I berated him last night for his lack of it, like there was something wrong with him. Perhaps just a manifestation of my own angst derived from my full awareness of how broken I am… I wish someone would care, I wish I didn’t have to be the source of joy, I wish someone would see me… But I suppose this my burden my torch to carry, a torch that I hope will spark a fire and momentously have me realizing that it was the source of my greatest strength. I wish, I hope, I can only hope that one day I will be allowed to experience the full range of my emotions around others rather than just this happy guy bullshit I’m playing. But then again that would go against everything I’m striving to be, huh Ive was right I need to be more in touch with who I really am around others, Fi!!!

Hah it always comes back to coming back home withing myself, embracing the bullshit I might have been berating Ivo but he’s mastered his demons, I’ve suppressed mine, and it’s off putting, it’s creepy. Owen might have damaged me in that sense state is all fine and dandy, but I think the true power comes from channeling ALL emotions, not just positive ones. I feel like I’m trying to superimpose hella conflicting thought patterns…. How do I maintain a positive environment, while still entertaining the darker aspect, Haaaah I get it now the darkness can be light or rather it can be a delight if expressed from the deepest truest parts of your being. The anxiety can be attractive if channeled the way I know it can, it’s time to stop pretending

Bear with me

A slew of excerpts from my diary this year so far are inbound, hopefully you'll find them as interesting and insightful as I did. I was pretty much a confused child this year.

My Guide

People will say they are guided by their hearts, or even the emotions swirling through their gut, perhaps they consciously make decisions using their minds and ignoring the rest. Me? I'm guided by the ever present chill down my spine, my shadow constantly putting it's hand on my shoulder demanding I lend it an ear. In a world so brightly distracting it helps to have a guide who unlike the others offers to light the path ahead, offers to dim your perspective enough to see the pieces and people that are to be moved on this most grand chessboard. The chill rises,my shadow beckons and pulls me off into the glorious bright light.

Ostensibly Powerful

Put me in the booth, yep, People begging me to give a fuck even if it’s just a few, but truth be told I’m a cold old soul. The world is ripe for the picking and rife with opportunity, pickings are small so start climbing, I prefer to bask in the shade. With the flick of my wrist I can have thousands feeling insecure, with the flick of my arm I can fill the hearts of millions with doubt, yep. Ostensibly Powerful, but truth be told you’re just as strong and manipulating the masses is just a gyration of your own limbs, because we’re all, one in the same. Yep… Ostensibly Powerful.

Be Formless

One of my biggest insecurities for the longest time was that I thought I wasn’t interesting, not only the characters in the movies I watched, but the people around me particularly in high school all seemed to have something that differentiated them. I at a time even pondered getting lower grades to be seen as one of the “dumb” guys, lol absurd I know.

So I did what any nerdy high school senior would do, I read, a lot but still very little of everything with the intention being, next conversation I have they’ll find me so interesting. But in my quest to become interesting I have since realized that to be interesting all the ideas I was accumulating were separating me from those I was trying to interact with, I had forgotten the cardinal rule to be interesting you have to be interested.

What’s really interesting is letting who you think you are or should be die, in every interaction just toss out all the bullshit, be vulnerable in your purest expression of self. That’s where the magic is, and when you are formless you become an amalgamation of every soul you’ve ever encountered and I think that’s really interesting. Because in this very moment you are just as much a part of me, as I am apart of you, and making all these distinctions bores the fuck out of me.

An ode to the Anxious.

People often ask me, why I am always so calm even in the stormiest situations, why I never seem to panic. But what you don’t understand is that it is quite to the contrary I’m always anxious, I always panic, because I think, overly so, you never see my anxiety because she is my mistress my ever present side chick, the only side chick the wife would approve off, and when she calls I don’t hide away, scream at her, cry, get riled up, no I hold her even while I work and sometimes… When I play. I hold onto her, engage with her and remind her just how much I love her, how much she means to me, and my gratitude for her ever present warnings some of which have saved my life. Me and my anxiety We grow together, I accept my dear sweet anxiety and that is why none of you will never see me panic, because I do not share my lovers. So this is to the anxious, the worriers, you are not weak, you are strong, for when the droughts in the lives around you come to end, you’re are the only ones at home dancing in the rain. And the world needs you to remind them that... this too shall pass.

In my absence

Woah I haven't written anything in a while, my psyche is fragmented I'm literally trying to pull my self together and function as on cohesive unit. I sense this will be done soon I figure it will take a few more months to remember how to be human again. Till then have a gander at The Ive Dive I've mentioned him in a few post an ancient soul who's wisdom I value immensely, perhaps it will provide some value to you too. As always much love to you and keep sending those e-mails.