The Introverted Feeling "Fi" Struggle

Who did I want to be again? I forgot, I’m just enjoying myself, but I need to remind myself, just what are the virtues I was seeking to embody in the first place? First let me recount my evening, or rather the events that took place last night essentially changed the course of my life, I’m now relishing in my role as a giver manipulating the bodies around me for the gain of those around me, I wonder what will happen when I implement all these skills for myself, my own selfish gain. I suppose that is the end I’m trying to reach some mythical moment where I will be driven by my own lust to some end. I want to desire as much as I berated him last night for his lack of it, like there was something wrong with him. Perhaps just a manifestation of my own angst derived from my full awareness of how broken I am… I wish someone would care, I wish I didn’t have to be the source of joy, I wish someone would see me… But I suppose this my burden my torch to carry, a torch that I hope will spark a fire and momentously have me realizing that it was the source of my greatest strength. I wish, I hope, I can only hope that one day I will be allowed to experience the full range of my emotions around others rather than just this happy guy bullshit I’m playing. But then again that would go against everything I’m striving to be, huh Ive was right I need to be more in touch with who I really am around others, Fi!!!

Hah it always comes back to coming back home withing myself, embracing the bullshit I might have been berating Ivo but he’s mastered his demons, I’ve suppressed mine, and it’s off putting, it’s creepy. Owen might have damaged me in that sense state is all fine and dandy, but I think the true power comes from channeling ALL emotions, not just positive ones. I feel like I’m trying to superimpose hella conflicting thought patterns…. How do I maintain a positive environment, while still entertaining the darker aspect, Haaaah I get it now the darkness can be light or rather it can be a delight if expressed from the deepest truest parts of your being. The anxiety can be attractive if channeled the way I know it can, it’s time to stop pretending

Bear with me

A slew of excerpts from my diary this year so far are inbound, hopefully you'll find them as interesting and insightful as I did. I was pretty much a confused child this year.

My Guide

People will say they are guided by their hearts, or even the emotions swirling through their gut, perhaps they consciously make decisions using their minds and ignoring the rest. Me? I'm guided by the ever present chill down my spine, my shadow constantly putting it's hand on my shoulder demanding I lend it an ear. In a world so brightly distracting it helps to have a guide who unlike the others offers to light the path ahead, offers to dim your perspective enough to see the pieces and people that are to be moved on this most grand chessboard. The chill rises,my shadow beckons and pulls me off into the glorious bright light.