Who did I want to
be again? I forgot, I’m just enjoying myself, but I need to remind myself, just
what are the virtues I was seeking to embody in the first place? First let me
recount my evening, or rather the events that took place last night essentially
changed the course of my life, I’m now relishing in my role as a giver
manipulating the bodies around me for the gain of those around me, I wonder
what will happen when I implement all these skills for myself, my own selfish
gain. I suppose that is the end I’m trying to reach some mythical moment where
I will be driven by my own lust to some end. I want to desire as much as I
berated him last night for his lack of it, like there was something wrong with
him. Perhaps just a manifestation of my own angst derived from my full
awareness of how broken I am… I wish someone would care, I wish I didn’t have
to be the source of joy, I wish someone would see me… But I suppose this my
burden my torch to carry, a torch that I hope will spark a fire and momentously
have me realizing that it was the source of my greatest strength. I wish, I
hope, I can only hope that one day I will be allowed to experience the full
range of my emotions around others rather than just this happy guy bullshit I’m
playing. But then again that would go against everything I’m striving to be,
huh Ive was right I need to be more in touch with who I really am around
others, Fi!!!
Hah it always comes
back to coming back home withing myself, embracing the bullshit I might have been berating Ivo
but he’s mastered his demons, I’ve suppressed mine, and it’s off putting, it’s
creepy. Owen might have damaged me in that sense state is all fine and dandy,
but I think the true power comes from channeling ALL emotions, not just
positive ones. I feel like I’m trying to superimpose hella conflicting thought
patterns…. How do I maintain a positive environment, while still entertaining
the darker aspect, Haaaah I get it now the darkness can be light or rather it
can be a delight if expressed from the deepest truest parts of your being. The
anxiety can be attractive if channeled the way I know it can, it’s time to stop
pretending
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